the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
