I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
