My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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