True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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