I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
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