Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
