he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
