Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
