You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize