Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
