tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
