the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
