i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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