You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
