My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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