My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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