Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
