Need sex. Gaining weight.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
