I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
