I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
