Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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