how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
