She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
