i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
