Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
