Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
