a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
