I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
