no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
