do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
