OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
