im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
