DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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