I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
