For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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