u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
