Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
