I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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