Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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