I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
