I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
