Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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