Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
