wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
