I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
