dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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