You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
