The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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