I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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