There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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