You can't motorboat a personality
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
