if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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