oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
