Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
