Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Too much gin, very little bucket
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
