I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
