mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
