I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
