Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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